Having an Episode: Mudd's Women

The moral of this story is that beauty is the most important thing in the galaxy. If you aren't beautiful you will be a drug addict and marry a miner on a planet in the ass end of space.

Moxie Magnus

3/29/20236 min read

Stardate 1329.8; Dear cosmetology log:

There seem to be a few problems with the uniforms. First of all, the insignia keep appearing and disappearing. I don't know what that's about. Also, every time they are washed they shrink. Uhura's skirt is now practically a belt! She, of course, came to me with the problem. I said, "Dammit Uhura, I'm a cosmetologist, not a laundromat!" She knows they listen to me down in the ship's laundry, so what's a girl to do? I went down there before her shift and made them give her a command uniform until we can get her another red one. She was so grateful I thought she would burst into song. Thank the Great Bird of the Galaxy she didn't!

Something's going on. The power keeps flashing on and off. I can't put anyone under the photon driers for fear of a short. in addition to that, there seems to be a trombone player on board.

Stardate 1329.1 (that can't be right can it? Stardates are so confusing to me!)

We have guests on board! (I'm not sure if they brought the trombone or not.) There is an Irish gentleman and three incredibly beautiful women. Dear cosmelog, you would not believe what they are wearing! One of them has a asymmetrical periwinkle mini cut at a rake. One side is off the shoulder and the other has a long bell sleeve. The hem of the dress and sleeve have fringe! FRINGE! Don't you just want to die! The other two are wearing longer numbers. One in fern green with a high neck and a diagonal cutout running from shoulder to ribcage, taking the scenic route of the cleavage.

The skirt part of the dress looks like a bit of an asymmetrical wrap. The other in cerise, with a plunging sweetheart neckline and an empire cut. (however, it looks like the empire has been torn assunder: Slit from ankle to hip.

The fabric of the dresses is definitely the shimmery silk of the giant genetically engineered sequin worms of Andor. All of them look like they just stepped off the runways of Alpha Centauri, and I swear these gowns are copies of dresses I just saw in last month's Venusian Vogue!

Their hair is gorgeous! The cuts and styles are perfect! Periwinkle and cerise are both platinum blondes, Periwinkle has what we call a babydoll space pixie with a bump. Cerise has a modified Judy Jetson comb over, bumped and laid to the side. Fern green has a traditional earth Cher. Their hair has the sheen of stainless steel on a bright summer day. Their beauty borders on painful--full body cast, no morphine, painful. I want to be their best friend but I can't help thinking: I hate them! I hate them! I hate them! I hate them!

Stardate 1329.2

The captain wanted me in the hearing for the Irish gentleman, but I just couldn't go. I said that I would attend via com, but that I had to stay in Salonbay because all hands are needed, what with the power problems and all. (I keep telling engineering to use dilithium, DI-lithium, not lithium. Duh! It's so much more stable, but they think I don't know anything. Now we're in a real fix and almost powerless. humpf!) Being around those women is just too much! I don't think I could sit in there without bursting into tears. I just want so badly to be their best friend and to keep all the other girls away from them. I told Uhura she had an asteroid belt of pimples forming and she's barely come out of her quarters. I mentioned to Chapel that we could cover her greys, but we might need a longer appointment. And Janice-Janice!-I said "Are you ok? You look so tired, today. Let's hydrate that skin until you can get some good sleep." She's been in bed ever since!

These new women, it turns out, are com-ordered brides. I just want to be their friend.

Magda Kovacs came to the Salon to see me. She's periwinkle mini space pixie with a bump. I tried to act cool but all I wanted was to be her best friend. I want to be just like her. She's so pretty. She smells like martian roses. All other girls are pitiful Saturnius harem girls next to her. sigh. Anyhoo, I asked her what I could do for her and she said she was wondering where she might get a communicator. I gave her mine and asked if maybe we could hang out later, paint each other's nails, and talk about boys. She said she'd think about it. I told her I'd get another communicator and we could text. I didn't realize until after she left that the beauty monitors in salon bay had gone haywire! I need to find a piece of paper. I have an overwhelming desire to write Magda Kovacs' name over and over again. (and maybe add BFFs and LYLASs.)

This blog post corresponds with the events of Mudd's Women, the Star Trek Original Series episode.

Kirk, Spock, Mudd, and those beautiful ladies have beamed down to Rigel XII. I hated to see them go, but my head does seem to be a bit clearer with them off the ship. There is certainly something fishy about those women. They are just so blindingly beautiful. Where have I heard that before?

Eureka! I've got it! "blindingly beautiful" that's the key. It triggered the memory I needed to solve this mystery--the women are hopped up on the Venus drug. You see first-year Starfleet cosmetology students have to watch a lot of training films. One of the minor films is "Blindingly Beautiful: The Deadly Venus Drug". As a cosmetologist, I should be the first line of defense against intrusion by Venus-drugged vixens (and of course men).

You see, the Venus drug acts on the pre-frontal cortex causing it to emit psionic energy that causes others to view the emitter as profoundly beautiful. In addition, the drug actually causes instantaneous molecular changes in the hair of the taker, causing hairs to line up and smooth out, no matter how frizzy. The hairs actually begin to emit low levels of light, causing the taker of the drug to appear gauzy when viewed close-up.

In addition, the eyelashes darken and take the appearance of perfectly placed false eyelashes. Side effects of the drug include a desire to raise your arms above your head, compulsive body stroking and in some, the drug causes panic disorder: for instance, the user may bolt from a party into a deadly dust storm or something hypothetical like that. (To take the drug effectively, you should throw the drug to the back of the mouth preferably with both hands, and pause for it to take effect.) People who are on the Venus drug often go crazy and jump out windows of tall buildings thinking they can fly. I've got to report these findings to the captain and McCoy.

The captain is back on the ship. I told him all I know about the Venus drug, and boy was he mad at Mudd. It seems that the side effects got Eva; she's on a bad beauty trip. She bolted and now they are using all of our power to try and find her. Thank the gods, there are no tall buildings on Rigel XII.

Phew! We got the crystals. We're dropping Mudd off at the closest Federation outpost where he'll probably be tried and locked up. They found Eva, and she is going to stay with one of the miners (as are Magda and Ruth). Turns out they are very desperate women, willing to marry just about anyone. The tension they brought on the ship has been lifted. The men are less horny, and the women are less catty. Things have returned to normal. There is a moral to be learned here, a very important moral: You don't have to be on drugs to be beautiful. You just have to think you're on drugs to be beautiful. Remember that one ladies.



Say NO to Venus Drug!