Having an Episode: The Enemy Within

Stardate 1672.1; Dear cosmetology log:

I'm so excited! I think Kirk feels sorry for all the deaths of the men in my life, so he's promised me that the away team would bring me back a pet! The away team is out specimen gathering and this planet has many types of vertebrate lifeforms. I've been wanting a puppy for the longest time. You know, there is a long history of pets aboard ships. In the old days, they used to have ships cats on seagoing vessels. Admiral Archer had beagles throughout his career. And now Moxie is going to have her very own...um. I don't know what kind of animal it will be but I asked for something cuddly. They should be returning anytime now.

Janice came by a little while ago. I touched up her roots, gave her a trim, and then tried to convince her to try a new style. I suggested a Judy Jetson, reverse or modified; either would look great--a space babydoll, late twentieth century asymmetrical, a layered photon perm, a half-deltan--those were all the rage at Cannes; a Vulcan hornet's nest....Why the list is just endless. That beehive basketweave may have looked good on her at the academy but it's not making her look any younger now. She insisted. I did it myself instead of trusting one of the new colorists to try. She does look beautiful, but so conservative! I swear she's going to wear that look until it's back in style.

While I was working on her hair, Janice told me she's been painting a lot recently. Her painting is very traditional, 20th century modern. Everyone has to find something to do to pass the time on these boring space exploration voyages. Unless you are an officer or on the bridge, things can get very repetitive around here. For most people being on board is just another nine-to-five job. Downtime is spent in countless hours of playing 3-d games, watching telescreenovision, or tumbling in the gym. Of course, salonbay is the exception; salonbay is the center of gossip and activity. We are normally a buzz with activity. Starfleet regulations now require that officers and crew keep their hair and nails not only in good shape but also looking fabulous. Because of the buzz, if you want to know the latest gossip, salonbay is the place to be!

Just a moment. I'm back in the office and some nut is out front demanding eyeliner.

That was odd. Kirk was the nut out front. Yeoman Tina Lawton (you remember her dear cosmelog--Charlie turned her into an iguana. She's fine now but she just can't take the cold.) has been reassigned to me. She's our acting receptionist and coffee girl. When I walked out of my office, who do I find but Kirk yelling loudly at Tina? Kirk! He was demanding to see me. Well, there he stood holding a bottle of medicinal Saurian brandy that I'm not sure he had a prescription for, and as soon as he sees me he says, "Moxie, you have to help me. I need eyeliner. I need lots and lots of eyeliner!" He did seem a bit odd; a little more intense than usual (if you can buy that!) Now, I'm not one to be pushed around, but I do love a man in guyliner, so before you could say Jack Robinson, I had those baby blues outlined in black. He insisted on black though I thought a dark brown would have been better. I told him I thought Janice would love it, and he got this maniacal little twinkle in one of his perfectly lined eyes. He said "Mmmmm, Janice." and then he staggered out without so much as a thank you. I didn't even have a chance to ask him if they found me a suitable pet.

On another note, there are still bugs to work out with the new uniforms. We got a whole batch with insignia that have some sort of odd cloaking device--one minute they are there and the next minute they're gone.
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I made my way over to the transporter room. Scotty was waiting for me to beam up my surprise! He energized; the glittery beam of the transporter twinkled and my little poopsy materialized! Just before me was a ball of toffee colored fur with sharp spines running down its vertebral column. It had a single magnificent horn and two thin candy stripped antennae. It was love at first sight. I scooped up my new best friend and turned to show Scotty.

That's when I heard the transporter energize again, I turned back and there it was another antennaed unicorn puppy, but this one was growling, frothing at the mouth. It lunged, and it dug its teeth into my calf. I fell and dropped my Poopsy! Scotty was on top of the anti-Poopsy in no time struggling to contain him. My leg burned, but I knew I had to help Scotty. I helped him lift that demon into a box for safekeeping. Scotty told me to hang in there and that they would get me to sick bay. He said he would have to hold Poopsy and the other Poopsy until they could figure out what was going on.

This blog post corresponds with the events of Enemy Within, the Star Trek Original Series episode.

Stardate 1672.9
The landing party is in jeopardy of freezing on the planet below. We can't beam them up because the transporter is on the fritz. I suggested we send one of the shuttles down for them, but they've just been detailed and no one wants to dirty them up again unless it is simply unavoidable. The transporter is duplicating everything: my Poopsy, and it seems, Kirk. Kirk has attacked Janice and is missing. They aren't telling the crew anything, except that there is an imposter on board. I told Mr. Spock about the eyeliner incident. He lifted his eyebrow and said "fascinating." He and Kirk ran off somewhere.

McCoy wanted to keep me in sickbay, but he thought I needed to go back to salonbay to find out what was going on. I agreed. The best way to find out what the crew knows is in the salon.

Salonbay was buzzing. All the chairs were full and my stylists were working as hard as they could. (They are stylists, not miracle workers!) I limped in and had a seat behind reception. Tina told me all the gossip. The crew knows there is an imposter, but that is all the legit information they have. The rumors fall into three categories: 1. Captain Kirk has cloned himself. 2. There is another salt vampire on board. and 3. that Kirk has been duplicated by some advanced android-making technology. (Now that last one is just ridiculously implausible.) I made a general announcement to everyone in there telling them about the transporters. These rumors should be quelled by dinner. Now, let's hope we find the imposter.

This wound is burning! I think I'll go back over to sickbay and see if Bones can give me some Saurian brandy or Earth Tequila or something for the pain. Bones said I'd better stay here in sickbay for a little while.

Stardate: 1673.1

I got a report about my little Poopsy today. They patched the transporter, but it's still kind of sketchy. They tried to re-integrate the two Poospys by beaming them away and back. On the return they were integrated, but unfortunately they were also dead. They're going to try and do the same thing with the two Kirks.

I'm feeling a bit woozie. Dr. McCoy seems to think that I had an adverse reaction to the anti-Poopsy's saliva. I'm going to turn up my morphine drip. I think I'm hallucinating; I thought I saw Kirk making out with himself.

Stardate: 1674.3

The leg is better; I just got discharged from sickbay. Janice was telling me all that went down. They managed to put the Kirks back together. They beamed up the crew, and they autopsied little Poopsy. Janice is a little starstruck by Kirk now. In spite of the evil Kirk forcing himself on her, she hasn't put down her torch. She says at least she knows he likes her now. I said, "Janice, Kirk is married to this ship (and having affairs with every life form in the galaxy!) You'll never be able to tame him."

I think she's jealous of Mr. Spock.