Having an Episode: Where No Man Has Gone Before

Stardate 1312.4; Dear cosmetology log:

I was in the rec room today when that awful distress signal came in. I really had no business being there. I have so much to do, what with reviewing the new regulations and all, but a girl needs a little diversion now and then. Kirk and Spock were there playing 3-D chess--again. I could see from a glance at the board that Kirk was obviously going to win. I'm always telling Mr. Spock he needs a little intuition mixed with his logic. In fact, I was playing Interdimensional Hungry Hungry Hippos with him the other day in the rec room (He always has to have the green hippo which is fine because my hippo of choice is pink), and I beat him five out of six games. He kept saying, "I don't see the logic of bright-colored earth mammals standing in a circle eating marbles."

"Silly Vulcan." I said, "This is an important ancient game like chess or mancala and you can learn a lot about Earth civilization if you'd just loosen up and keep your head in the game." That Spock is such a caution! There are great moral and ethical implications of games, Hungry Hungry Hippo's included. Anyhoo.

Kirk and Spock ran off after that little call from Kelso came in about this space flotsam we encountered--some big metalic thingy. Ah, Lee Kelso. He's so sweet. We've been dating for about a month now and I've never felt so instantly close to anyone. Why, I know it's a little early, but I think he may be just the right man for me. And to top it off, he's really going places. He's ambitious and has the initiative needed to really go places in Starfleet. We could be Admirals someday, together!

Once they beamed that thing on board, they put all decks on alert. "WHIIIIIRP WHIIIIIRP WHIIIIIRP!" It's enough to give a girl a nervous fit! Well, that thing turned out to be an old ship's recorder and it just up and started transmitting. By then, I was back down in Salonbay. You see, the latest update to the Starfleet regulations manual is due soon; new uniforms are due out next week and yours truly was chosen to review and update starfleet grooming standards. When they implement my recommendations, the bouffant will finally gain the respect it deserves, and I predict it will become the female equivalent to the standard male buzz cut. Mark my word, in this fleet, women's hair has nowhere to go but up!

Oh, and the uniforms! Mini skirts are so much more progressive than pants for space pioneers like myself. These baggy cowl-neck tops are fine for winter, but they lack the sophisticated simplicity of the bullet bras and scooped necks of the new uniforms. And the colors! Red, blue and gold! The addition of red uniforms, especially for security officers, makes the statement "Look at me! I'm here! I'm Starfleet! I demand to be treated with respect!" They certainly beat those flesh-colored things everyone is wearing now, weird hairless molerat flesh-colored; there are so many colors of flesh in space, you have to be specific. Starfleet has made the right choices this time and I think these bright uniforms will be around for years to come.


Mitchell called to tell me I was needed on the bridge before we left the galaxy. Seems they want all the department heads there. I told him I had crewman Jackson under the dryer and I'd be there as soon as her hair set. That's when it hit, whatever "it" was. The product shelf fell and conditioner bottles went willy-nilly all over the floor. The dryer exploded and poor crewman Jackson died instantly (But at least she went to the great beyond with perfectly set hair.) The guys from mortuarybay are always so busy but they should be here soon.

Stardate 1312.9

I just left Gary in sickbay. He was arrogant, egotistical and all hands--he seemed like the same old Gary to me. He's always been a bit assy, even back when we were at the academy. Carol Marcus and I used to double date him and Kirk back in San Francisco. In those days, Gary was like an octopus dipped in cheap cologne. I just went out with him for Carol's sake. She really took a shine to Kirk and they were a cute couple. They even set a date to get married. Carol had picked out her dress (an ivory mini with a plunging neckline and a fairytale veil), and I was going to be the maid of honor (kelly green satin mini with the same cut as the bride's dress), but then they realized it would never work; as that ancient Earth wise woman Dolly Parton once said: "A bird and a fish can fall in love but where will they make a home?" They decided the long-distance life just wouldn't work, what with Kirk heading off to explore the universe and whatnot, and Carol doing her sciencey researchy thing. The week before we left Earth Carol told me that her "pon farr had ended logically" if you know what I mean and she swore me to secrecy. (And Moxie is as good as her word--Kirk shall never hear it from me!)

Anyhoo, Gary seemed fine except for his eyes: they were as silver as Uhura's nails. I guess Dr. Piper is looking into that, but I don't think his heart or mind are really with us anymore. You know, he's about to retire--bought a condo on Wrigley's Pleasure Planet, so I've heard. He'll end up drinking himself to death surrounded by more green hookers than he can shake his stick at; you mark my words.

When I left sickbay, I passed that Dr. Dehner. (Now see, she's the perfect example: the current uniform, those capri pants and high collar, just make her look spindly. She'd look much more professional in a bullet bra mini wearing an up-do, don't you think?) She was on her way to visit Gary, I bet. She's kind of a cold fish to the ladies on board and the men mostly think she's like an ice replicator. After I saw her, I passed Lee. Ah, my dear Mr. Kelso. Lee stole a kiss in the corridor outside of sickbay. Seems he's on his way to see Gary too.

This blog post corresponds with the events of Where No Man Has Gone Before, the Star Trek Original Series episode.

I wasn't able to attend the meeting of officers in person. I was ordered by Starfleet to stay put in salonbay while they reviewed the new grooming codes. The codes have to be published fleet wide by week's end, and they wanted to make sure I could be instantly contacted for questions. Kirk did want me there though, so I listened in the whole time via intercom. Boy, Dehner was saucy! (You know that haircut is a new one for her. When she came on board, her hair was long and frizzy. She was in desperate need of a cream rinse. I took her aside and convinced her she needed that old earth Garbo/Dietrich look; said it suited her bone structure, and that it would be so simple to take care of that even she couldn't go wrong. And Viola! You can make a silk purse from a sow's ear; you just have to have the mix of science and art of a damn good master xenocosmetologist, like yours truly! ) While she was going on about her "mutated superior man" nonsense, I was filing my nails and rolling my eyes. I just kept my mouth shut. Because I was so quiet, Kirk forgot to turn off the com. I heard the whole conversation between Kirk and Spock after everyone left without them knowing. They're going to abandon Mitchell! He is an ass, but oh my.

Stardate 1313.1

We've arrived at Delta Vega. It's shining red and swirly beyond the Salonbay windows. Lee just left. He's beaming down with a repair party to try and fix things up. We argued before he left. I told him I didn't want him to go down to the planet, that I had a bad feeling about it. He said I was being silly and I told him that it was my woman's intuition. He said, "If you have such a high ESP level why didn't that thing that mutated Mitchell get you too?" I said "Oh, you'd like that would you?" and I choked back a tear. He felt all guilty after that and said, "You know I really love you baby," and then, and here's the kicker, he said, "You know you're my girl; I'm gonna marry you some day." And he meant it. I didn't want to make a fuss over it, so I smiled and gave him a kiss. I told him to make sure he came back in one piece.

Kirk, Spock, and Dehner passed by on their way to sickbay. They're going to try and get Gary down to the planet. Dehner had her Amway sample case with her which I thought odd, but maybe that was part of the plan to get Gary off ship. (I know when someone tries to talk to me about Amway, I'll do just about anything to escape!)


Stardate 1313.03

Kelso has done an amazing job on Delta Vega! He and the engineering crew have gotten the ship up and running in record time. Kirk is really impressed with their work, and they are all receiving full commendations--especially my Lee. He's going to be a captain of his own ship in no time! It's highly unusual for a captain to choose a cosmetologist as his first officer, but it's not impossible! I always thought I would become a captain before him, because I'm so, well, superior at what I do, but either way. I can't wait to see him tonight! I'll get chef to make a special meal for Lee and his team, and then later, we can celebrate alone in his quarters!

Stardate 1313.08

I'm going to bed early and alone. Lee is dead. Mitchell is dead. Dehner is dead. They brought back Lee's body but Mitchell and Dehner were left on the planet or annihilated, I suppose. Kirk, Spock and Piper are back on board. Kirk came back on board with his shirt in tatters--again. I swear, when his mother was pregnant she must have been frightened by a shirt because it's just in his nature to destroy them. As for Piper, stick a fork in that man because he is done. We're dropping him off at the next port, so he can start his retirement early. That man has never meshed with the crew. Unfortunately, I doubt anyone will ever remember he was even on the ship in just a number of weeks. Anyhoo, I hope he finds just the right green stripper to live out the rest of his days with.

Oh dear. Rest in peace Lee Kelso, my dearest darling. You would have looked so handsome in your new uniform. I'll see to it that you're buried in that red shirt (that wouldn't be bad luck would it?)